Stop-Trying-to-Fix-Your-Cofounder.txt

Stop Trying to Fix Your Cofounder
=================================

Your co-founder screwed up again. Maybe they lost their temper while in a meeting with a key hire. Maybe they missed a deadline and forced you to scuttle another big launch. Maybe their risk aversion is just making every decision turn into a week-long debate. I mean, what is wrong with them? Why can't they just get it together?

If that sounds familiar, then this video is going to teach you an important reframe to help make navigating these challenges with your co-founder a lot less painful. Because right now, you're treating the situation like it's a character flaw, like there is something that they need to fix about themselves, something wrong with them, something that is unreasonable that shouldn't be there. That attitude leads to two of the biggest risk factors in a relationship falling apart.

But there's another way to see this, and it comes from a relatively unknown psychological approach. It's called externalization. And look, this is going to feel counterintuitive because I'm sure you fix things about yourself, so why can't they, right? Just stay with me because I'm going to teach you a technique that turns your co-founder dynamic from something that grinds you down into something where you get things done.

So, why should you listen to me? My name is Jason Shen. I'm an executive coach and I help founders build companies that they can be proud of with partners that have their back. A lot of my work is around repairing the co-founder dynamic because I've noticed that a lot of co-founders deal with the frustrations they have with their partner in a way that matches two of the most destructive patterns in relationship dynamics.

John and Julie Gottman are world-renowned researchers and practitioners of couples counseling and marriage therapy, and they have done research on thousands of real-world couples as well as supported them in clinical practice, and they've identified what they call the four horsemen, which are highly predictive of a divorce or a separation. Two of them are what we just described today, which are criticism and contempt.

Criticism is describing your partner in a way in which a complaint, something that you don't like that they are doing, turns into a character flaw, something that is wrong with them. Going from "I don't like the way you run standup" into "you are just a disorganized and sloppy thinker." One of them is about the behavior, one of them is about their character.

The other is contempt. Contempt is the idea that you think you're better than the other person and that the other person is beneath you. So that's like, "I get angry, too, but I don't blow up at people. Why can't you?" Or "it's not hard for most people to show up to meetings on time, so why can't you do it?"

Look, these are understandable feelings to feel and ideas that pop up into your head, but that doesn't mean you should say them. Okay? Think about it from their perspective. If you were on the receiving end of this, if you were told that something was fundamentally wrong with you or that your co-founder was just better than you and you were lower and worse than them, would that make you want to be collaborative? Would that make you want to work on yourself? Would that make you feel defensive and want to attack the other person for being like "you're not so great"? That is a rhetorical question.

So, what's the answer? Well, it comes from a concept in narrative therapy that is called externalization. And that is where you separate the problem from the person. Rather than saying that somebody is disorganized, you say that disorganization is something that we are dealing with together. I call this the same team principle. You two are on the same team working on the same side trying to address a problem or challenge, because think about how you deal with most problems.

Let's say you have a platform change. Apple changes their terms of service and now you have to update your app in a bunch of different ways, or Google makes changes to their API and half of your features are broken. This isn't something that you would turn to your co-founder and say "this is all your fault. What is wrong with you?" Right? You wouldn't say that. You'd say "all right, let's figure out what's going on here and let's figure out how to build a plan to solve this together." The threat is external.

But when it becomes something that is a behavior that your co-founder is doing, all of a sudden it becomes like a problem with them. But that's the issue. You can still use the same team attitude and say, "Hey, you and I both know that being organized would help the company be better. So, how can we find a way to achieve that?" Your co-founder's anger problem doesn't define who they are. It is an external obstacle that the two of you would like to address.

This doesn't mean you ignore their behavior or you lower your standards. It means that you stop making this about their identity and start focusing on the outcomes that you want to achieve.

So, how do you actually do this? Step one is you align about something that isn't going as well as it could inside the company. Shipping product faster, winning more deals, improving team morale. Those are things that you and your co-founder can both care about and that you both recognize could have some improvements.

Two, name the obstacle without making it be about them. So, this is the critical step that most people get wrong. Don't say "you need to stop doing X." You say, "Hey, I've noticed that we're missing some of our product deadlines, and you know, I wonder if it's related to your desire to making an amazing product because you're a great engineer and you have an amazing taste as a designer. I'm just wondering if we could figure this out together." No accusations, no character judgment, just two founders trying to make their company better.

Step three is to get to know their side of the story. What are they worried about? What are they optimizing for? What is this behavior trying to help achieve that you don't understand yet? Maybe their risk aversion is a way for them to protect against a mistake that they've made in the past. Maybe their anger is due to the fact that they don't feel heard in certain situations. You won't understand the problem in full until you invite them to share their side of the story and they feel safe and that they're not going to be judged for explaining their perspective.

Step four, change the environment, not the person. Of course, people can work on being less tardy or less angry, but the reality is that is a lot slower of a change than changing a process, changing a tool, changing a role, changing a schedule or an expectation. If someone is forgetful, do you think getting them to improve their memory is going to be easier or giving them a checklist, a to-do list to follow? One of those can be implemented in a day. The other might take months or even years.

Step five, learn the warning signs and create pullover points. None of this is going to change overnight, right? The behavior is going to come back. Maybe things get better in the next release, but then people fall back into old habits. Learn to identify some of the warning signs that this behavior is creeping up again. Figure out in advance some way for you to communicate if you feel like you're about to blow up to have a code word or to just step out of the room or to do something different or ask for help. Recognize that you are going to have issues just like a product is always going to have bugs occasionally and you need to have a good rollback system. You need to have a rollback system for the two of you and your dynamic as well.

Six, ask yourself and ask them what you can do to support. How can you change? It shouldn't just be all on them. If it is really about being on the same team, then both of you are contributing. You are not putting all the burden on one person to change or to adapt. Both of you can find ways to compromise and create a new system, a new structure that can help improve the problem, improve the external obstacle that is impeding your company's growth and success.

The same team mindset isn't going to change anything overnight, but it can over time improve your dynamic so that you're no longer bickering with each other, pointing fingers, and you're actually solving problems, moving forward, and feeling better about each other along the way.

So, if you are a startup founder who is trying to improve your relationship with your co-founder so that you have a better shot at building a massively successful company that you can be proud of and have fun along the way, you should definitely subscribe to this channel. And if you think that you need more hands-on support to help you through some of your co-founder conflict, you can book time with me in the link in the description.

Now, this same team reframe is very powerful, but there's also a conversation that a lot of founders avoid that makes improving their relationship 10 times harder. And I'm going to break that down in an upcoming video. Stay tuned.